Recently viewed a hilarious episode of 8 out of 10 cats. Sorry to bore you, but I absolutely love these quotes!


A poll that Jeremy Clarkson may have appeared on:

Janet Street Porter: Ugliest men in the world you wouldn't shag even if they were left on a desert island with you.
Patrick McGuiness: I were just gonna say that!

A poll that Jeremy Clarkson and Victoria Aiken may have appeared on:

Patrick McGuiness: People you never get tired of kicking.

Dave Spikey: People you'd most like to hit with a cricket bat...well, that's my weapon of choice, pick your own...


Later on: 60% of women believe they are _________

Sean Lock: 60% of women belive they are lucky to have a wonderful husband, beautiful kids, and a good butchers round the corner!


Most annoying thing about shopping:

Man: Is it being recognised by adoring fans? I was recognised once in Dixons. This guy came up to me and said, "Hey you're that mad bloke off the telly!" I said, "yeah, that's me!" Then he said, "No, you're that mad bloke. Off the telly.


Six pictures are on screen: George Bush, Charlotte Church, Spiderman, Siegfried and Roy, Jesus and the Queen. Whose would be the the most popular diary?

Dave Spikey: George Bush's would be good, wouldn't it? 'Invaded Iraq. It was nice. Had an ice-cream. It was nice.'


Who would be the best best man?

Sean Lock: Jesus wouldn't be a very good best man because the stag night'd be shit, wouldn't it?


Who would be the best gest on Trisha?

Dave Spikey: Who's the fattest?


93% of people who _____ are overweight:

Dave Spikey: Watch Trisha!

Trisha Goddard: We had a guy on the show who likes 'Chubby Chasing', he liked really, really fat women.
Jimmy Carr: I've got questions about that, how much actual chasing is involved?
Trisha: Not much!
Jimmy Carr: It's pretty much, "gotcha".

Trisha: We shouldn't make fun. A lot of people are overweight because of personal problems in their lives...
Man: Oh bollocks, stop eatin' you fat bastards!


53% of circus performers are _______

Sean Lock: Coverered in pie! And wearing the wrong shoes!

Patrick McGuiness: Not to be trusted.
Janet Street-Porter: Did something bad happen to you at a circus?
Patrick McGuiness: It did and I don't want to talk about it.
Jimmy Carr: (holding up his hand) I've got a puppet - will you tell him?
Patrick McGuiness: I think you look more like a puppet.
Sean Lock: Yeah, a ventriloquest's dummy!
Janet Street-Porter: It's the hair that gives it away, it's so neat and tidy, it's unnatural!
Jimmy Carr: So 53% of circus performers are my hair looks like a dummy's. Is that your final answer?

World's most baffling, unexplained mystery:

Trisha: Is it how Michael Winner gets women in bed?

Sean Lock: He uses a stairlift. I saw an advert for stairlifts once, and it gave you all the info and everything, then it said, 'And when you don't need it anymore, we'll buy it back off you!" Which basically means when you're dead.

Jimmy Carr: Yes, according to a recent survey the Loch Ness monster is the world's most unexplained mystery. Or, as the Scots call it, "The weather's shit we need something to bring in the tourist-ness monster.

Jimmy Carr: 53% of circus performers are Catholics. If you're a clown living with a caravan with a bearded lady, I don't think the prayers are working.

Good evening all.

I am typing this on my laptop (which is a MASSIVE relief since it went retarded for a few days so I had to do my last post on Joe's while he was out). I am in my bedroom, Joe is in his bedroom with his girlfriend (oo-er), Dad is in the garden and Mum is in a filthy temper. I'd better stay out of her way. She's quite scary sometimes... :S

Speaking of scary mothers, I had a sudden urge today to somehow contact David Pelzer. (I say somehow because I have no idea how I'd do it anyway). I just wanted to tell him that he's...sort of my inspiration. Well OK, perhaps not my inspiration, but he's inspirational to me.

Very much so.

I am so glad my Mum is NOTHING like his. There again, not many mums are. Well, hopefully not. But you do see an awful lot of NSPCC adverts about cruelty to children. I always feel horrible after seeing those.

And for those of you who don't know who David Pelzer is....meh, I can't be bothered to explain. But I would like to contact him.

I sent an e-mail to Lenny Henry once, and he e-mailed back! Although I get the feeling it may have been a template...

Be right back - bursting for the loo. Sure you wanted to know that, didn't you?

About four minutes later...

Ahhhh, back! I sorted the clothes on the landing into piles so mum wouldn't have to do it. Aren't I a nice, wonderful daughter....?

I miss Amy......in more ways than one.

Hmm...things to say...thinking...can't think of anything. Gonna go now and find out about David P.

Peace out!

Creeeeeeeeeeepy Chickens.

Ok, the time has come. I knew it would, but it seems to have come quickly. I beg of you, my dear blog-readers, to not judge me too harshly.

I have started to miss school.

*gasphorrorshock*

I know! I know! *sobbing* I have reached that stage that I do every holiday; I've started to see (well not see really) teachers around. I could have sworn I saw Mrs Ball pushing a pram in town, Mr Newton in a supermarket with his arm around someone, and Mrs Sanderson coming out of a co-op looking flustered and carrying about fifty bags of shopping.

And it wasn't them! I'm going crazy!

I had a very school-oriented dream last night, too. I was in Year 10 and it was alllll different. There was a new English teacher, and he was really cool, and I did a really good piece of English for him and he complimented it in front of the entire class! *Smug*

Anyway, I was a bit upset when he gave me a B minus for it, when it turns out it was something better. I can't remember what exactly.

Oh yeah, and Mr Newto brought his new baby into the ICT block. And for some reason I started crying about something.

Anyway...school.

Meh, I'm off. Bored. Watching Friends. Woo!

Oh, and the title of this post refers to the creepy chickens in the car insurance ad.

See ya!

8 out of 10 Cats

My blogmeisters, it's time to introduce you (if you haven't been introduced already) to the splendidity that is 8 out of 10 Cats. On Channel 4. It's about surveys and opinion polls, and it is Hil-AR-ious. All these quotes came from just one episode:

(By the way, apologies for the depressing post the other day. I feel a lot better since then. Thanks for being nice commenters!)

The panelists are supposed to guess the top five talking points in the news this week:

Jane Middlemiss: One thing they're talking about is this water shortage, you know, the drought. Now Jimmy, I'm no scientist. But it's been raining all week. Where's the drought?


Answers to what poll Sherlock Holmes might have appeared on:

Jane Middlemiss: One hundred sexiest Victorians.

Jane Middlemiss: Men who aren't returning my calls.

Sean Locke: It might be a poll of people that the public think are real. Life Sherlock Holmes, many people don't actually realise that he's a fictional character like Tintin, or Michael Winner.

Man: Is it people you'd call if you were being stalked by a large, brutal, flesh-eating dog?
Jimmy Carr: I'm not sure, let me check...noooo.
Man: Oh, damn!


Word fill game - 43% of Brits think their Grandmother is _______

American Guy: Taking her fucking time with the tea.

American Guy: I think that 43% of Brits think that their Grandmother is good-looking. You know, hot, whew.
Jimmy Carr: Yes, because you know so much about women, don't you?
American Guy: Well, yeah I do. See, women talk to gay guys a lot because they think we're listening...


Word fill game - Accountants _____ more than any other profession.

Team leader: I think it's "kill".

Jimmy Carr: A clue: it's something they do in their spare time.
Jane Middlemiss: Smoke...Cigarettes! Drink...alcohol!
Jimmy Carr: Not quite...
Jane Middlemiss: Have sex with dogs!

Jimmy Carr: Accountants read for pleasure more than any other profession.
Jane Middlemiss: Oh, boooring!
Jimmy Carr: Well, I'm sorry! What did you have in mind?
Jane Middlemiss: Have sex with dogs! (Manical grin)

Sean Locke: (About the other team) Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the 2020 cast of Last of the Summer Wine!
Johnny Vegas: Wa-hey!
Sean Locke: That desk'll be pushed down a hill with them all behind it.
Johnny Vegas: Yeah and at the end of the show we'll sort of disappear behind it singing the theme tune, you know, doo doo doo doo...
American Guy: You know I'm smiling and nodding along but I can't understand a word they're saying!
Sean Locke: It's like a Romanian circus act, isn't it! (They start singing and waving their hands in the air.)
Jimmy Carr: Do you remember when we were doing the five most talked about things...some time ago...?


Well, it may not sound appealing to you, but I love it.

Saw the first two episodes of Lost this morning (I recorded them). Very very good so far. Satisfyingly scary.

Have also indulged in a little horror movie-ing. Watched Scream, Scream 2 and Scream 3 in the space of two days. Scream = brilliant. Scream 2 = crap. Scream 3 = Very good.

The next move will be to watch the Exorcist. But I'm not sure I can pluck up the courage right now.

Amy was very dpressing in her last post. I know she'll be very mad at me for saying this, but ever since she got together with Max she's been kind of neurotic. Ok, very neurotic. She ought to lighten up a bit.

On the romantic front things are at an all-time low for me. Told the person I liked how I feel, and as I already knew they don't like be back, so...I don't know. Not feeling too good about the whole thing at the moment.

Anyway, am now going to face the sun and get an ice cream. Catch you on the flip side, dude!

I'm changing.

I can feel it; in almost everything I do, I'm aware that I'm different. In loads of different ways. And I don't like it. I didn't feel like this a few weeks ago, when school was finishing.

Maybe breaking up from school triggered it. Maybe away from my, frankly, rather annoying friends I can open up, or something. I don't know; I'm confused.

Like my Mum, for instance. I'm not as close to her as I used to be. It's like I'm seeing her in a new light. I've never been able to really confide in her, and I don't know why. In most of the evenings she's had loads to drink; I distinctly remember last time I tried to talk to her she just started giggling.

She's always complaining. She's never happy. And she doesn't hide it. She acts like a martyr, which she isn't. I offer to help her, hundreds and hundreds of times, and she says no. Well think about it; if she said yes, and I helped her, then she wouldn't have anything to complain about! Big disaster!

She's never sympathetic, or really comforting. If I come home upset when people have been bullying me she tells me it's my fault because I reacted to it. I can't help it!

I just feel lost in my own life.

And I don't feel ready for for Year 10. I would if I went to another school, but at Pate's they rave on about the future and early revising and everything. They don't care that maybe it's worrying people.

I just...don't feel like me anymore. The madness hasn't surfaced in weeks. And I thought changing was gradual over the years, now it's like it's been hitting me all at once.

And I hate it.

And if I hate it now, what am I going to be like as an adult?

And if I can't cope with the pressure in Year 10, what in hell am I going to do later on?