I'm changing.
I can feel it; in almost everything I do, I'm aware that I'm different. In loads of different ways. And I don't like it. I didn't feel like this a few weeks ago, when school was finishing.
Maybe breaking up from school triggered it. Maybe away from my, frankly, rather annoying friends I can open up, or something. I don't know; I'm confused.
Like my Mum, for instance. I'm not as close to her as I used to be. It's like I'm seeing her in a new light. I've never been able to really confide in her, and I don't know why. In most of the evenings she's had loads to drink; I distinctly remember last time I tried to talk to her she just started giggling.
She's always complaining. She's never happy. And she doesn't hide it. She acts like a martyr, which she isn't. I offer to help her, hundreds and hundreds of times, and she says no. Well think about it; if she said yes, and I helped her, then she wouldn't have anything to complain about! Big disaster!
She's never sympathetic, or really comforting. If I come home upset when people have been bullying me she tells me it's my fault because I reacted to it. I can't help it!
I just feel lost in my own life.
And I don't feel ready for for Year 10. I would if I went to another school, but at Pate's they rave on about the future and early revising and everything. They don't care that maybe it's worrying people.
I just...don't feel like me anymore. The madness hasn't surfaced in weeks. And I thought changing was gradual over the years, now it's like it's been hitting me all at once.
And I hate it.
And if I hate it now, what am I going to be like as an adult?
And if I can't cope with the pressure in Year 10, what in hell am I going to do later on?
I can feel it; in almost everything I do, I'm aware that I'm different. In loads of different ways. And I don't like it. I didn't feel like this a few weeks ago, when school was finishing.
Maybe breaking up from school triggered it. Maybe away from my, frankly, rather annoying friends I can open up, or something. I don't know; I'm confused.
Like my Mum, for instance. I'm not as close to her as I used to be. It's like I'm seeing her in a new light. I've never been able to really confide in her, and I don't know why. In most of the evenings she's had loads to drink; I distinctly remember last time I tried to talk to her she just started giggling.
She's always complaining. She's never happy. And she doesn't hide it. She acts like a martyr, which she isn't. I offer to help her, hundreds and hundreds of times, and she says no. Well think about it; if she said yes, and I helped her, then she wouldn't have anything to complain about! Big disaster!
She's never sympathetic, or really comforting. If I come home upset when people have been bullying me she tells me it's my fault because I reacted to it. I can't help it!
I just feel lost in my own life.
And I don't feel ready for for Year 10. I would if I went to another school, but at Pate's they rave on about the future and early revising and everything. They don't care that maybe it's worrying people.
I just...don't feel like me anymore. The madness hasn't surfaced in weeks. And I thought changing was gradual over the years, now it's like it's been hitting me all at once.
And I hate it.
And if I hate it now, what am I going to be like as an adult?
And if I can't cope with the pressure in Year 10, what in hell am I going to do later on?
posted by Rosby at
10:55 PM
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