Recently viewed a hilarious episode of 8 out of 10 cats. Sorry to bore you, but I absolutely love these quotes!


A poll that Jeremy Clarkson may have appeared on:

Janet Street Porter: Ugliest men in the world you wouldn't shag even if they were left on a desert island with you.
Patrick McGuiness: I were just gonna say that!

A poll that Jeremy Clarkson and Victoria Aiken may have appeared on:

Patrick McGuiness: People you never get tired of kicking.

Dave Spikey: People you'd most like to hit with a cricket bat...well, that's my weapon of choice, pick your own...


Later on: 60% of women believe they are _________

Sean Lock: 60% of women belive they are lucky to have a wonderful husband, beautiful kids, and a good butchers round the corner!


Most annoying thing about shopping:

Man: Is it being recognised by adoring fans? I was recognised once in Dixons. This guy came up to me and said, "Hey you're that mad bloke off the telly!" I said, "yeah, that's me!" Then he said, "No, you're that mad bloke. Off the telly.


Six pictures are on screen: George Bush, Charlotte Church, Spiderman, Siegfried and Roy, Jesus and the Queen. Whose would be the the most popular diary?

Dave Spikey: George Bush's would be good, wouldn't it? 'Invaded Iraq. It was nice. Had an ice-cream. It was nice.'


Who would be the best best man?

Sean Lock: Jesus wouldn't be a very good best man because the stag night'd be shit, wouldn't it?


Who would be the best gest on Trisha?

Dave Spikey: Who's the fattest?


93% of people who _____ are overweight:

Dave Spikey: Watch Trisha!

Trisha Goddard: We had a guy on the show who likes 'Chubby Chasing', he liked really, really fat women.
Jimmy Carr: I've got questions about that, how much actual chasing is involved?
Trisha: Not much!
Jimmy Carr: It's pretty much, "gotcha".

Trisha: We shouldn't make fun. A lot of people are overweight because of personal problems in their lives...
Man: Oh bollocks, stop eatin' you fat bastards!


53% of circus performers are _______

Sean Lock: Coverered in pie! And wearing the wrong shoes!

Patrick McGuiness: Not to be trusted.
Janet Street-Porter: Did something bad happen to you at a circus?
Patrick McGuiness: It did and I don't want to talk about it.
Jimmy Carr: (holding up his hand) I've got a puppet - will you tell him?
Patrick McGuiness: I think you look more like a puppet.
Sean Lock: Yeah, a ventriloquest's dummy!
Janet Street-Porter: It's the hair that gives it away, it's so neat and tidy, it's unnatural!
Jimmy Carr: So 53% of circus performers are my hair looks like a dummy's. Is that your final answer?

World's most baffling, unexplained mystery:

Trisha: Is it how Michael Winner gets women in bed?

Sean Lock: He uses a stairlift. I saw an advert for stairlifts once, and it gave you all the info and everything, then it said, 'And when you don't need it anymore, we'll buy it back off you!" Which basically means when you're dead.

Jimmy Carr: Yes, according to a recent survey the Loch Ness monster is the world's most unexplained mystery. Or, as the Scots call it, "The weather's shit we need something to bring in the tourist-ness monster.

Jimmy Carr: 53% of circus performers are Catholics. If you're a clown living with a caravan with a bearded lady, I don't think the prayers are working.