Oh God. Dad has confirmed that I am indeed having some kind of existential crisis. And boy, is he right; I feel like I'm going mad.
Why do I exist? What's the point in me? Am I going to make any kind of difference? What kind of person am I; and why don't I know? Am I the *only* one who exists? Why does it feel like I'm standing still whilst everyone one else is revolving around watching Big Brother and drooling over Johnny Depp and going to their jobs at Woolworth's and...and....argh!
Does everyone else experience this? 'Cause if they have, they never mentioned how confused it makes you feel. I mean, Tash and Kat have never had any really deep thoughts like that (no offense to them - they do have their feet planted firmly on the ground), and no one seems to mention it. Is that what a mid-life crisis is?
GAGGHHHHH!
It just feels like the world is slowly deteriorating (is that spelt right) and that I'm the only one left who actually really *thinks*; who can spend an hour staring out of the window watching the sun go down and think about everything there is, or could be, or will be in the universe, right down to its core. And when I do that, don't laugh, but I feel that my thoughts, just my musings, could do anything; they're so strong they could tear apart or mend, or solve anything.
Oh God, I'm actually going crazy. I need guidance! I need adult guidance! Marie, Lisa, anybody, where are you? Help!
Why do I exist? What's the point in me? Am I going to make any kind of difference? What kind of person am I; and why don't I know? Am I the *only* one who exists? Why does it feel like I'm standing still whilst everyone one else is revolving around watching Big Brother and drooling over Johnny Depp and going to their jobs at Woolworth's and...and....argh!
Does everyone else experience this? 'Cause if they have, they never mentioned how confused it makes you feel. I mean, Tash and Kat have never had any really deep thoughts like that (no offense to them - they do have their feet planted firmly on the ground), and no one seems to mention it. Is that what a mid-life crisis is?
GAGGHHHHH!
It just feels like the world is slowly deteriorating (is that spelt right) and that I'm the only one left who actually really *thinks*; who can spend an hour staring out of the window watching the sun go down and think about everything there is, or could be, or will be in the universe, right down to its core. And when I do that, don't laugh, but I feel that my thoughts, just my musings, could do anything; they're so strong they could tear apart or mend, or solve anything.
Oh God, I'm actually going crazy. I need guidance! I need adult guidance! Marie, Lisa, anybody, where are you? Help!
posted by Rosby at
3:04 PM
15 Comments:
Rosby, please don't change. It is very important that you remain as you are.
There are two kinds of people who exist in this world: question askers and non question askers. The latter are usually very content but they're not very driven. They will get jobs in middle management and lead unremarkable lives. Woolworths / Johnny Depp / and so on.
Question askers on the other hand spend lots of time filled with exactly the kind of issues you've just described, but it spurs them on: it spurs them on to find answers. And because the quesions are ultimately unanswerable, they find their answers in their creativity, like writing (at which you are very talented), or like being great scientists, or anything that requires deep, sustained thought. And also they seek out other people's art / literature / science etc to find out what answers other people are coming out with.
You may feel alone now, but question askers find other question askers and we get together to wonder whether the world is going mad or if we are the mad ones. We experience more pain than those without questions, but also more insight and ultimately more joy.
So embrace your existential crisis! You are going to be a much more interesting person and lead a much more interesting life because of it.
By
Marie, at 3:58 PM
Oh Marie, you take the thoughts from my head and put them into eloquent words...
Ros, I read your 'existential post' analysing "If" and recognised so much of what you said in response to it. So you're not mad - or at least if you are, you have lots of company.
I was always a "but why?" kinda person (okay when studying history but a bit rubbish as an attitude for school-level maths), always questioning, always worrying and wondering, imagining, projecting thoughts and hopes and dreams and thinking about the consequences / taking chances despite the consequences.
Weird isn't it how some thoughts come to mind: I have such vivid memories of reading a serial story in a girl's comic alled Misty when I was younger about a girl who closed herself to feelings and being kind and taking chances on making friends because she didn't want to be hurt again. But the point about living is that it isn't really living if you DON'T take chances, ask questions, explore and be excited by ignorance and wanting to change ignorance to knowledge...
I'm overthinking this, but basically you're just dandy as you are: witty, thoughtful, smart. Lots of people will try to change you; but any change has to come from your choices, not theirs.
By
Lisa Rullsenberg, at 12:24 AM
Ros, please don't doubt your existence. I know someone who decided that they didn't exist and therefore there was no point revising for her gcses.
(P.S. This is NOT a good idea, do not follow her example!)
By
Anonymous, at 2:10 AM
wow Ros, you write really well. I am not very good at this sort of stuff, but it does seem like marie and lisa know what they're talking about, so listen to them.
Hope you're having a great holiday but i'm going to Scotland on Saturday so probably won't be able to comment for a while after that.
By
Megan, at 4:35 AM
"they're so strong they could tear apart or mend, or solve anything"
This feeling usually passes. Then you are left with just the first bit.
The French call it ennui. The Germans call it weltschmerz.
It is boringly common. There is no cure (unless you want to be some sort of born again Christian). It is chronic.
Try and avoid melancholia though - that really is a drag.
But Marie is right - the people who feel it the most tend to be much more interesting. Although I'm not so sure about the "more joy" bit...but maybe.
By
Roldy, at 6:42 AM
hey ros,
whoever roldy is - he/she is right. These 'crises' happen to most people and life - fortunately or unfortunately goes on regardless. The thing to do is to sit down and just let your thoughts run. Don't even think about it - just let it happen. It may seem hard at first but it pays off in the end. After this you may well feel kinda cleansed - rather like colonic irrigation I like to think. Then, if these thoughts come to you again, just watch them, don't 'do' anything, just let them run.
And like marie said, question askers find other question askers. You may be pleasantly surprised to hear that I am one myself :)
luv you
i xx
By
Anonymous, at 4:49 AM
i may have the odd existential crisis but I still think Johnny Depp is hot
i xx
By
Anonymous, at 4:51 AM
yeah, I must admit that Johnny Depp is hot.
By
Megan, at 7:04 AM
sorry to go off the subject of your blog, but i was just reading Skittles' blog and i was just wondering if she knew that john barrowman is gay?
By
Megan, at 8:15 AM
It's probably easier to think about things like Megan's last post.
And less likely to end up in the sort of situation resembling that bit in Hitch-hiker's guide where God discovers reasoning that he cannot exist therefore he promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
Please don't vanish in a puff of logic Ros.
By
Unknown, at 9:38 AM
Hey, marie, I resent that.
I shall so lead a remarkanble life.
Johnny Depp has nothing to do with it.
I mean, Ros had that whole David Tennant obsession.
Anyway, Ros, I can offer you no kind of good advice.
So, instead, I say, make yourself a hot chocolate and watch some Doctor Who.
It might make you happy.
:)
I love you.
Dont disappear.
By
Anna, at 10:01 AM
yeah - i would so not like it if you dissappeared.
By
Megan, at 1:26 PM
Without wishing to get poncy, we've had for rather a long time a mind-body dichotomy in Western civilisation. We think that the mind and the body are separate. One of the greatest tricks the brain can play on you is to make you think that your thoughts are powered by the soul, independently of external factors, pure and unchanged by anything. Which is all lies of course.
Your brain is a mix of chemicals and hormones. It changes, grows and adapts as you get older, just as every organ in your body does. It's an illusion to think that your brain doesn't go through its own kind of puberty, even when you're in your early 20s.
Not wishing to take away any specialness from your personal experience, it sounds very much like your brain is going through one of the more well known changes of teenage years. It's around your age that smarter teenagers begin to ask very much the same questions you're asking, particularly if they're having a bad time of it at school - whether it's through depleted blood sugar levels caused by growing spurts, brain changes, body changes or something else, I couldn't say (not my field).
The trick, as Marie and Lisa have eloquently put it, is to embrace those questions and your intellectual development, without taking them too seriously. Your brain's still developing, there's a hell of a lot of life experience and life skills still to learn, but it's very easy to conclude you've come across something profound about the universe and start wondering if it's all worthwhile.
It's very easy to plunge yourself into depression while dwelling on darker thoughts that gnaw away at your self-esteem. You mess up your seratonin levels, strip protection off your neurons and before you know it, your brain has convinced you that these dark thoughts are some kind of deep insight into the nature of the universe, everything's worthless and maybe nothing's worth bothering with. Except, it's just biochemistry messing with you.
I basically wasted much of my university life through chronic depression. Without wishing to put anyone on a downer, I spent more or less every lecture on the verge of tears, planning the best way to kill myself, convinced I was essentially worthless. Ironically, the only reason I didn't was my self-esteem was so low, I reasoned I was probably wrong in all my conclusions, and since suicide is a little permanent, maybe I should gather some more evidence first.
One course of a Prozac-alternative and a little bit of therapy later and I was fine. Suddenly the world was entirely different. Except it wasn't - only my brain chemistry was.
Which is all a long-winded way of saying, think deep thoughts since the life that isn't examined is the life that isn't worth living, but don't stare too long into the abyss, or it'll stare back into you. And if it does, remember it's all an illusion caused by chemicals and biology, not something profound you've stumbled onto.
By
Rob Buckley, at 2:21 AM
Of course I know he's gay.
Ros - chill.
By
Sophie B, at 4:50 AM
What a great site » »
By
Anonymous, at 1:50 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home